Hidden past: Military wife learns husband was still married while she was pregnant.
"My memory of my wedding day has been ruined…"
VisitMysterious9106
I, female (28) and male (29) have been together for 6 years and have an amazing daughter (5). Little back story.. boyfriend and I met back in march 2018 and got pregnant 1 month into our relationship… our relationship was really hard due to being young, having health issues and him having Christian parents.
I don’t have parents or family so we thought they would be able to help out with a room in their 5 bedroom house but they said the rules are we had to be married if we want to live together. We eventually ended up living with my aunt and it was the best decision we could’ve made.
My boyfriend recently decided to join the military and was advised we should get married so we can stay together once he’s stationed somewhere. We talked about it and I agreed with marrying this man because I truly loved him and he’s an amazing father to our daughter.
We got married feb 2024. We kept him joining the military & our marriage a secret from everyone because I wanted it to be Our special intimate experience. But also because he knew his parents wouldn’t agree.
Both of our childhoods have been rough and now having our daughter we worked really hard to show her what true love is and what it’s like being in a healthy family. My husband decided to tell his parents one day before he had to leave (that was his decision) because he knew there was going to be some tension and maybe his father wouldn’t be happy about his decision. And of course he was right…
There was a lot of back and forth and his stepmom asked me if there was any grudges I was holding against them because I never got close to them. I said yes, I said it’s not fair that they let my husband’s Ex live with them but not me who had their grand baby.
Backstory…
My husband had mentioned the ex had no place to live so they helped her out. That was it that was all he told me.
Well the stepmom ended up saying “well because they were married!”. I was taken back. I looked at my husband and said “what is she talking about”?? He said no it was nothing like that. The stepmom then said “I saw the divorce papers and we went out to eat to celebrate.” He then said “we’ll talk about it later”.
Later comes and all he says that's it’s not true he just doesn’t like talking about the ex because she used him and he felt dumb. I asked him did you buy her a ring? Did you go to the courthouse and said I do? And he said no, he denied all of it and I believed him because I trusted him and loved him.
Fast forward, now he has left to boot camp but my gut feeling kept telling me that I need to find the truth. Cause why would the stepmom say that?? So I decided to go the courthouse and there it was he got divorced in nov 2018 when I was 6 months pregnant.
(Edit post: him & his ex were separated and she had already moved out when we first started talking. He just never mentioned he was going through a divorce. His divorce was finalized Nov 2018 and we were 7 months dating and 6 months pregnant)
I have no way of talking to him cause he doesn’t have his phone right now so I decided to talk to his aunt and she told me everything. She said everyone knew they were married and they assumed he told me.
He went 6 years keeping this secret. Now my memory of my first wedding day is ruined. It’s ruined with lies and betrayal. I feel like a fool because his parents, his sisters all helped him keep this lie from me. I’m honestly so hurt and heart broken and now I don’t know what to do.
I would like to mention they got married February 2017 and separated January 2018. Yes only married for 11 months but they were together since high school. He only told me she didn’t have a place to live not that they were married. She cheated in 2015 before they got married and he gave her another chance.
Now married, she cheated again with the same guy and moved in with the new guy and once she moved out with new guy she filed for divorce march 2018. 2 months after they separated. so he claims she only used him for a place to live.
We started talking maybe a few days after they filed for divorce. And I didn’t find out I was pregnant until June 2018. So no, he didn’t cheat with me. His divorce was not finalized until November 2018 and I was already 6 months pregnant.
Also, yes we got pregnant really fast but I had told him from the very beginning I had health problems that wouldn’t let me be pregnant. so when we did get pregnant first doctor visit we asked doctor what the heck and he said I guess it’s a miracle.
But due to my condition my pregnancy was a high risk. Had to visit once a week just to see if baby still had a heart beat. When we found out we sat down and talked if he was ready to become a parent and if wasn’t he can step out.
I told him I was keeping baby because I felt like it was a gift sent from heaven from my mom. So no, I didn’t force him to stay with me. I would also like to add, when we actually got married they asked us both if we’ve been married or divorced before and we both said no.
So, when I went to the courthouse and found his dissolution of marriage I asked the gentleman and said it’s this perjury? He said no cause his divorce was finalized way before we got married.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ale473
If he kept a marriage and divorce secret for 6 years, what else is he hiding? Honesty obviously isn't one of his morals maybe you should take the time he is away to consider your future.
sitnquiet
Not only secret, but lying about it? Like, what did he hope that would accomplish. The best bet would have been to come completely clean once this started cracking. It's not like OP's going to just forget while he's in basic or something. Dude. Red flag city.
I mean, you can come back to it - he felt ashamed. this will never happen again, etc. Marriage counseling and requirements to rebuild trust. But I would keep my eyes and ears open now, OP.
Next-Drummer-9280
"Now my memory of my first marriage is ruined."
It's telling that you call this your first marriage instead of just saying that the memory of your marriage is ruined. I think you know what you want to do, just aren't ready to admit it.
The OP responded here:
VisitMysterious9106
What I meant was my wedding day. Picking out my dress, the engraving on his ring, my daughter in her white dress. It was one of the happiest moments in my life that I can say this is mine and no one can take this from me.
evenstarcirce
I don't know what you should do, because I'm so shocked reading all of this. But I know if I were you, I wouldn't be able to trust him at all. He lied for so long, on top of that, he cheated on his then wife with you, without you knowing that he had a wife (like wtf)...
So yeah. Whatever your next move is, don't let him gaslight you into something you don't want. I hope others can be more helpful.