'My husband asked for a divorce, then changed his mind hours later.' Part 2 (Husband's response)
"I destroyed my marriage for no reason and hate myself for it"
ThrowRAIdontevenk
If you missed the initial story, you can read it here.
I know I'll probably come off as the villain but I need to get this out. I destroyed my marriage and I still don't even know why. I'm in my twenties, so is my ex-wife. We had this fast summer romance, it was my first relationship that ever got serious. She wanted to go to college in another country, and I didn't want to lose her so I said I'd go with her. Maybe that's where I first f'ed up.
Turns out getting a work visa when you don't know the language is pretty much impossible, and so the only way I could go with her was if we got married. She asked if I would marry her, and I said yes.
At the time I thought we would be getting married someday anyways, so why not shorten the timeline a bit. I really did love her, I want to emphasize this because my actions later on admittedly did not reflect that. We had a small wedding, I've never been one for fancy things and she said she'd rather spend the money on our future than some elaborate party.
She spent months searching for an apartment for us in the country she'd be studying in but ultimately we had to decide on her going alone first when the school year started and me staying in our home country while she continued to search for a place for us to stay.
This was rough, and honestly I couldn't stop imagining her finding someone new or going out to college parties the way all the movies show and finding someone she wanted more than me. It's always been an insecurity of mine, especially because she's bi and some things she'd say sometimes made me wonder if she'd like being with a woman more.
Long story short she ended up getting sick and we decided she should come back home and continue her studies here. She got really depressed after coming back home.
She didn't want to go out because she didn't want to run into people we knew, she felt like she'd failed in her goals. I tried to help her get back on her feet, but she was just so in her head and I just couldn't stand it sometimes. Something had shifted then.
She got angry with me a lot, we'd get into fights and I hated it because I'm not a person who gets angry, ever. She said I didn't do my fair share of chores, got upset whenever I'd spend too much time gaming and not enough attention on her, it was like I had to be this perfect picture of me she had in her head otherwise I was a monster.
One night it got really bad. I had said I was going to do the dishes and I honestly just forgot, I was going to do them after one more round of COD with the boys but I forgot and as we were going to bed she turned and saw the dishes in the sink and started screaming at me.
I was already tired and I had work in the morning and honestly couldn't be bothered. She stomped downstairs and did them and I'm pretty sure she intentionally made as much noise as possible so I couldn't even sleep until she was done.
The next day while I was at work I decided I was done, it was like some sort of switch just flipped in my brain. I didn't want to go on being treated like this, I'd seen this kind of stuff play out with my own parents and I didn't want to be miserable like them.
So when I got home I sat her down and told her I wanted a divorce. She seemed surprised which I thought was strange because from my end it seemed like we were both unhappy.
She took it pretty well though, we had a long conversation about our feelings and stuff and decided that I'd take the bed and she'd take the couch and we'd sort out details in the morning.
She asked if I was sure, if I wanted to try therapy first, and I was so sure that this was what I wanted. It was rough, laying upstairs in our bed I was still able to hear her sobbing, but I was so sure this was what was best for both of us.
Then I don't even know how to describe it, it was like a switch flipped in my head again and I started imagining what my life would be like without her, the morning coffees and kisses. The way she always remembered my birthday (my family forgets every year), her constant encouragement, seeing her smile.
Then my mind flashed to how broken she looked when I told her we were done and I cannot even begin to describe the stab in the heart I felt when I realized I had just hurt the person I loved most in this world. I knew I couldn't live without her, and I'd do anything to make her smile again.
So I went downstairs, it was still late at night I don't know how much time had passed, and watched her try to wipe away her tears and try to look put together as I sat down next to her. I didn't even know what to say. The first thing I could think of was "I f'ed up so bad".
She set down her laptop and I saw it was open to some apartment search site. She asked me what I meant and I told her I still loved her, that I didn't know why I said everything that I did and I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness but could we please try again.
And this saint of a woman held me in her arms as I broke down crying and forgave me. She said she wanted couples therapy which I instantly agreed to, I would have agreed to anything she wanted if it meant staying together.
The next day was rough, she was starting her new job (I had terrible timing I know), and she wouldn't even undress in front of me, she went into the bathroom to change clothes. There was no kiss goodbye before work, no kiss hello after, she wouldn't even look me in the eyes.
This went on for a while. It was a full week before she let me be with her. And things did slowly start to get better. But she was never fully the same. The fun loving woman I fell in love with was gone, it's like the light in her eyes had gone out.
I tried everything I could, I went to the therapy sessions, I bought her flowers, planned date nights, went out of my way to get her favorite chocolate, listened to the books she wanted about emotional labor and I even created a chore chart so the housework could even out.
And some days she'd be fine but there were a lot of nights when I'd wake up to hear her crying in bed next to me. If I tried to comfort her she'd just push me away and say she was fine, so at some point I stopped trying and just lay there and listen to her trying to stifle her sobs and wonder how many nights she was doing this.
Other times she'd get angry, any mistake I made she'd always find a way to tie it back to how I "abandoned" her. It was like nothing I could ever do would be enough, I'd always be the monster who made her feel unloved.
One of the worst gut punches was when I realized she'd changed her phone background from a photo of us to a bunch of photos of her friends. I asked her why she changed it and she said she just felt like it. My background stayed as a picture of her until the very last day.
After months of this back and forth trying to please her, and one too many nights of listening to her crying in bed, I looked through her phone and saw something she'd written about how she felt trapped in our marriage.
The next day I told her I wanted a divorce, that I knew she was unhappy and I was too and this is what was best for both of us. I went further this time, packed a bag and went to a hotel, turned off my location.
She acted different this time. The first time she was calm, self-assured, said she wasn't going to beg for me. But this time was different, she was hysterical, literally got on her knees begging me to stay.
It was really unlike her, I was honestly a little worried for her safety. But I left anyways. Hopped online, told the boys it was over, tried to distract myself with gaming because it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
Eventually I logged off and just lay in the hotel bed listening to music trying to fall asleep, and a song came on that meant something to our relationship and it was like something broke in me, I couldn't stop crying.
I ran to the car and drove back home sobbing and speeding I'm not sure how I didn't crash. When I got there I tried to unlock the door and the key wouldn't fit, she'd changed the locks already. I had to knock on the door of my own home and the waiting seemed to last forever.
I know it sounds pathetic but as soon as she opened the door i just collapsed into her, I was crying so much I nearly hyperventilated. She was standing really still, she didn't say anything and her arms were flat by her side and I could tell she wasn't going to take me back his time.
After I pulled myself together I saw a bunch of trash bags by the table and knew it was probably my things. I asked her if she'd take me back, she hesitated for a while before saying she'd have to think about it. We had a long talk, a good talk, about our whole relationship and everything that had happened. Somehow I managed to convince her that we could give another try.
I had gone from feeling so empty that morning to feeling so hopeful by the nighttime, I felt like this time really would be different, I started writing again, she even let me be with her that night rather than waiting a week like last time.
She said she felt broken and was saying some scary stuff about wanting to hurt herself but she's always been a bit melodramatic so I knew she'd come around. I fell asleep dreaming of a better life for us.
But the next few days were hell. I woke up realizing that after I'd fallen asleep she'd put her clothes back on and slept on the floor. She would barely eat, everything she did seemed robotic.
One night it got really bad, she was crying in bed as usual and when I asked her what was wrong she started begging me to let her go, saying I was a coward for "breaking her soul and leaving her body here to suffer".
I was really scared for both of us. I managed to talk her down somehow, and the next morning I came home to a note on the counter saying she was staying at her mother's and she wanted me out of here by the weeks end.
She left her ring on the note so I knew she was serious, and honestly I was just glad it wasn't a suicide note. So I took the rest of my things and left. We've interacted a few times since then to get papers sorted, and now the divorce is final.
From what I can tell she seems happy, I guess she's moving soon and maybe has a new guy I can't tell, I try not to look at her things. For the life of me I can't figure out why I did it. She's telling people I was hurtful towards her, maybe I was.
My father seems to think I'm in the right which makes me feel icky because he's a misogynist prick. I loved her, I really did. And I'm starting to realize just how much she did for me.
My apartment's a mess without her, my life's a mess I keep forgetting things because she's not here to remind me. I have a toothache but keep forgetting to make an appointment because she was always the one to do that and I don't even think I have dental insurance anyway.
I miss my dog, I miss her, I miss having someone to come home and vent to and she was always so understanding of me. I took her for granted. And now she's off to some foreign country probably with her ex or something and I'm stuck here away from my family and friends working like crazy in a 9-5 with nothing to show for it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the husband's post:
taorthoaita
So, you were shite with chores, don’t know if you have dental insurance, and can’t make your own appointments. You played with ‘the boys’ on video games, which would normally be fine, except it sounds like you made her into your mother so you sound like an immature teen that needs to be told to get off his ass to contribute to the house.
I don’t know about abusive because we’ve only got your side, but from what you’ve said, yeah, looks like she’s going to thrive without you.
Viviaana
"i didn't want to go on being treated like this" she just asked you to do the dishes lol
girl34pp
Wait, wait, wait. I think i read this before. Or Your ex wrote a post from her pov or there are too many pos manchild in this world. Or both.
Edit: yep, is there same guy. I don't know how to link things on reddit, but if You want to check yourself, there is a post on BORU named "my husband asked for divorce and then changed his mind hours later". Reading your pov just made me sure that Your ex is better without you.
Few-Ad5700
Lol so you move out and your apartment is a mess and you're incapable of making your own dentist appointments? Sounds like she dodged a bullet. She'll be thriving without having to babysit her "partner".
lesliecarbone
"I have a toothache but keep forgetting to make an appointment because she was always the one to do that and I don't even think I have dental insurance anyways"
It's a beautiful thing when weaponized incompetence backfires.